Friday, September 24, 2004

Open Letter to Ralph Nader

Seriously, Ralph.

An Open Letter to Ralph Nader.

Dear Ralph.

A lot of people like to blame you for the outcome of the 2000 presidential election. Most people believe that if you had never run, then Al Gore would be President, and we wouldn't be stuck with the septic train wreck that was the Bush Administration. Personally, I think that the extremely corrupt Katherine Harris's use of ChoicePoint's racist "felon" database to purge thousands of legitimate black Democratic voters in Florida was more of a contributing factor, but let's face it -- you kinda helped Bush get elected too, in your own special way. I was ready to let bygones be bygones, but now I see that you've opened your exploratory committee and are looking into running in 2004.

I have an idea.

If you want to save yourself the hassle, suspense, and expense of dragging out an exploratory committee to see if it's worth running for president, I propose the following: Fight me.

That's right, I'm challenging you to a fistfight. If you win, you can run for president, and I'll throw all my considerable power and support behind your campaign. I know literally dozens of people, and I will make sure that each and every one of them not only knows that you're running again, but that they stop saying awful things about you. Also, I will put a "Nader 2004: Whining to Victory" sticker on my computer and messenger bag. The sky's the limit.

You actually have a decent shot at this, Ralph. While I am lifetime undefeated, it has been a few years since I've been in an all-out fistfight -- so i'm a little rusty. Plus I recently had my knee completely reconstructed, so I'm still technically on the injured reserve and am pretty out of shape. If you won, nobody could tell you that you're weak on defense; and since I've committed numerous acts of vandalism, trespassing, and even petty theft in my youth, you could tell people that you're "tough on crime." Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

However, if I step up and rock you like a hurricane, then you have to either run as a Republican or drop out of the race altogether. Also, I have to be allowed to take a picture with you and your busted up face, so that I can post it on my website. From there, we can call it even for the whole 2000 Election debacle, hug, and go get some Mexican bologna.

Seriously, Ralph. We can do this anywhere you like, anytime you like. If you're doubting the wisdom of my proposal, keep this question in mind -- if you can't beat a single outta-shape Jewish kid with a limp, do you honestly think you have a snowball's chance in hell in 2004?